Betty Crothers Eulogy - January 3, 2016
Good Afternoon. For
those of you who don’t know me, I am Sarah – Betty Crother’s granddaughter. I’m
honored to have the opportunity to give the eulogy for Grandmother, because she
was one of the most important and influential people in my life.
Although there are not
enough words to share adequately how much she shaped me into who I am today, I
hope this eulogy will serve to memorialize an amazing woman who has impacted
each of us in this room.
Whether she was our
mother, sister, grandmother, GG (great grandmother), mother-in-law, aunt,
cousin or friend – we all have stories of the role she played in our lives.
Each one of us came here with a memory of her—a memory or experience that
others in this room may not even know about. I hope that this eulogy will help
you to see the bigger picture of her life. Our gratitude to God for her life is
so great, because we can now see grandmother’s life as finished rather than
unfinished. Complete, rather than incomplete. Just as you can never fully
appreciate a great painting until the artist has put in the last strokes of his
brush and it is complete, as we all share our memories, the bigger picture of
who Grandmother was will be revealed.
After the eulogy, there will be time for any of you to share a memory as
well.
Have you
ever wondered how she became this person that drew us all here this afternoon?
How did this incredible mother, doting grandmother, strong woman and
independent spirit develop?
Helen
Keller once said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet, Only
through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,
ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
Grandmother could have written this.
Grandmother’s strong character was developed as she faced
hardships and disabilities in an era where there was not a lot of assistance
for people with disabilities or support for women to be successful or
independent. She was born in 1930 with many physical challenges, including
spinal bifida, and she spent a majority of her childhood in Shriner’s Hospital,
where she not only faced numerous surgeries, but also faced them alone. She was
told she would never be able to walk or even drive a car.
Parents and family were only
allowed to visit a few times a year. Imagine spending most of your childhood
alone and in pain. The picture would be bleak if it was not for her
determination. Somehow amidst these struggles, Grandmother developed a calm strength
that she carried with her the rest of her life.
That
was just one of many obstacles she faced and overcame.
For most of her life, there
were no laws or assistance provided to people with disabilities. The American with
Disabilities Act that ensures equal opportunity and access wasn’t passed until
1990, when Grandmother was 60 years old. She had an uphill battle – her
community and world were not easy to physically navigate. Because of this,
during this time few persons with disabilities succeeded -- unless they were strong,
fiercely independent and empowered.
And that was Grandmother –
not just back then – but today. She strongly stood up for herself, insisting
she be given every opportunity and access. Everyone here can probably attest to
that. She did not let her disability define her.
My Dad often remarked about
how many times Grandmother would not let him hold her hand to help her walk or help
her with most tasks when she could do it herself. Even when she got to the
place in recent years after her hip injury where she did need help—she still
tried to do it on her own.
She loved fiercely,
was fiercely proud, and fiercely protected her family. And she was a lady. (And
she made sure her daughter and granddaughters were taught how to be ladies as
well.) I can't count the number of times that she told us to take our elbows
off the table growing up, followed by "I hope you never do that at the
Vanderbilt's!” She carried herself with great dignity and expected us to do the
same.
Grandmother
loved many things – her family, her friends, the beach, bridge, and
lets not forget an ice-cold coke and chocolate milkshakes! I want to share some
memories from a few of her favorite things.
 | |
| In Florida |
Her
Work
After graduating from Fort Hill
High School she went on to Hagerstown Business School and then got a job at the
University of Maryland College Park. Later, she worked for the Prince Georges
County School System as a teacher's aide and secretary, where she retired with
over 20 years of service.
Can I just remark -- that is impressive – she loved her work! I
don’t hear many stories of women from her era that took pride in their work—and
had a sense of independence. She had her own savings account that she put her
salary in – and it was HERS. She proudly told us about this all the time
growing up—and as an adult I have appreciated even more her desire to instill
in us that we could be financially independent.
She was loved so much, that when she retired, they even brought
a bus of students to her house to visit. And most importantly, perhaps it was
her job as a teacher’s aide where Grandmother perfected her “look.” If you’ve
ever been on the receiving end of one of her “looks”, then you know what I’m
talking about! ** Or she may have perfected it with Holly – most parents could
run after their kids, but she had “the look.”
Pop
The University of Maryland job turned out to not just be a good
career experience – but so much more. As I’ve heard the story told: One-day Grandmother was backing her new car into a parking
space on the college park campus where she worked. Up on the third floor, a
young graduate student noticed that and the next time he came into her office,
he said, "You can really park that car". What a pick up line, right??
After he left, Betty
Brown asked, "Who was that?" Turns out it was a handsome young fellow
named John Crothers. Before long this young man made the big ask.. Will you..
type my master's thesis?? Obviously that took a lot of time “conferring
together” on that – and the rest we can say is history. Pop got his Masters in
1954, so Grandmother must have done a mighty fine job typing up that master’s
thesis. When Grandmother was asked, how much she charged him.. She said, that
she told everyone that Pop couldn't afford what she charged, so he had to marry
her!
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| Grandmother and Pop on their wedding day |
And they had 53 years together. John was her great love, and when his
Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s became bad she was the one there taking care of
him, and she wanted to do that.
Holly
Let’s talk about the most important person in her life – her
pride and joy, Holly Anne. Holly was her world. Holly had her and Pop’s
undivided attention (and she says they were careful never to spoil her with possessions..
only love and attention). The last time Rachel visited Grandmother, she showed
Grandmother a recent photo of her with Holly.
 |
| Thanksgiving 2015 |
She remarked – “Oh my Sweet
Holly.” Holly visited her several times a week at Hart, and Grandmother loved
that. Grandmother LOVED shopping for Mom --- in recent years Rachel was her
personal shopper, and she always wanted to 1) make sure Mom had a new Christmas
outfit and 2) give her something that she was really excited about. She loved
giving gifts—it was one of her favorite things to do.
Grandmother also grew to love Holly’s husband, aka Dad.
Grandmother eventually even started calling him her “favorite” son in law –
after many years. Haha.
Sisters
Grandmother loved her sisters (Suzy, Mitzie and Darlene)—nothing
would make her happier than when they got to spend time together. She would
always talk about them and tell me stories. These last few years as her health
declined, she was less mobile and didn’t get to leave Hart Heritage as much or see
out-of-town people as often. In the recent years, her sister Suzy (and brother
in law Tom) really went out of their way to continue to be a constant presence
in her life – and it meant the world to her. Whether it was driving up from
Bethany Beach each month to take her to lunch or shopping or bringing her
milkshakes.
Grandchildren
After Holly, her grandchildren were her everything. She loved us
more than life itself – and there was absolutely nothing she wouldn’t do for
us. We grew up with her in our lives on an almost daily basis. From our
frequent “chit chats”, to her dressing me and Rachel as twins (we are talking
going ALL out –we have the pictures to prove it)..
 |
| Matching outfits and hair ;) |
to her rolling our hair in
curlers, to singing “A helper I will be” or “Santa Claus is coming to town” –
it changed depending on the season. There are so many memories growing up –
there are few memories without her and Pop actually. She instilled in us the
importance of being little ladies and our manners – unfortunately I’ve
forgotten a few of those tips throughout the years! She had high
standards for us. She wanted us to have any and every opportunity and she would
have moved mountains to ensure that happened. And she did. She helped us reach
them. She believed in our success in every possible avenue of life and was
there to help make it happen.
She was always our
biggest cheerleader – from my youngest age I can’t remember a single event,
holiday, concert, recital or really anything important where she wasn’t there.
She was always there – I often joked to others she was my “2nd mom.”
And the feeling was mutual – I adored her too. In fact, last night my mom found
a hand written poster I had made in elementary school of “things I like” –
Grandmother was #3 (right after Easter and Christmas). She beat out the beach,
mom and dad – and even Jesus! That’s saying a lot.
And then there is her wonderful
grandson, Garon – she absolutely adored him. She was so proud of him—making
sure he knew how much he was loved. “Garon, I am so proud of you” – she said
this to all of us, but especially Garon. She truly believed he could do
anything! She loved to dote on him and spoil him with lots of fun activities
during his trips to Florida—walks with Pop, golf cart rides (she even let him
drive!) She knew he would grow up to be a handsome young man, and he has! She
always remarks how tall he is, and like us – would always tell him to stand up
straight!
Garon shared some of
his favorite memories – he said “She always liked to give me
hugs and say I love you to me”. His favorite memories are the epic golf cart
rides, eating with them in the Charlestown dining room, and going to look at
the Poinsettia tree at Charlestown.
My memories
When I lived in Baltimore City, I was only a few miles away
from Grandmother and Pop’s home in Catonsville. During these years I came to
have dinner with them several times a month. And as Pop’s health declined I
also came to take Grandmother grocery shopping and have a lot of girl time.
There was nothing she loved more than going out to lunch or just spending time
talking. I’d often stay over in their spare bedroom – even as an adult – and
even though my apartment was 15 minutes away. Other than wanting to hear about
my job, she always wanted to know every single detail about my love life. “Are
there any young, handsome men in your life?” (Translation: are you dating a
wealthy doctor?) To which I would always respond – Yep. I have a lot of
handsome men in my life! To which I would get “the look” in response–
especially if that was all the information she would get! I’d also get that
look when I told her to stop worry about when I’d get married, because I was
going to elope (to her ghastly horror). But “don’t worry,” I’d always say – “I’ll
be sure to send you a post card.” As you can tell—we loved to give each other a
hard time ;)
While I was busy traveling around the world, thankfully my
sister got married and had adorable babies, so that Grandmother could
experience being a great-grandmother (GG).
She LOVED hearing the
ridiculous stories of the kids’ antics, but even more she loved when they would
visit and run around the sunroom at Hart. And they loved it too, especially
max! He always asked if GG would be there when heading to a family event. We
are so happy Max, Jack and Abby all got to meet her, and we have such great
pictures and videos of them all together!
BEACH
We couldn’t memorialize Grandmother without mentioning the
beach. After Pop and Mom and her family, the BEACH was one of her other great
LOVES! Her and Pop started vacationing there each summer when Mom was little,
starting in Fenwick Island and then the Addy Sea in Bethany. Most of my childhood memories are at the beach
– because we’d spend most of every summer there with them at Swann Keys and the
love of the beach was ingrained in us from the start.
Grandmother loved the beach so much that she would go down to
the beach the night before leaving and cry. It must run in the family, because
I’m pretty sure my Mom has continued that tradition of crying when she leaves
the beach!
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| In front of Addy Sea |
Grandmother never missed a summer at the beach. Even in the last few years when she was no
longer able to stay on her own and was immobile, Suzy and Tom made it
possible—opening up their home, driving her around, and ensuring that she still
had the best time with sun, food and family. She even got to see her
great-grandkids experience the beach for the first time, something that would
not have been possible without Suzy and Tom—not only was Grandmother grateful,
but our family will forever be grateful for their sacrifices for her.
Florida
Grandmother also loved the time she spent in Florida every
winter with Pop. And she even let us join her! She and Pop loved it and so
did we! She was such a rec director- always lining up fun things for our family
to do. She would keep up with us at Disney World, take us to dinner theaters,
museums, the beach, ice hockey games, tours of fancy Florida houses, zoos, game
nights, fresh squeezed orange juice, rides in the golf cart – I could go on and
on.
Friend and Caretaker
Betty was not just a great wife, mom,
grandmother, GG, sister and aunt --- she was also a great friend. One of her
favorite things to do was to play Bridge— her Bridge group was very close
knit in Laurel, and she continued to play bridge everywhere she lived. She kept
track of her friends as they moved around! She was the queen of letter-writing,
and was always calling friends to check in.
She
modeled in her life that you should always be helping others. There was always
a handful (or more) or people that she was taking care of one way or another. Whether it was the
neighbors she would always invite for dinner, or the person living next door
that she would take care of, or members of our church that she got to know.
Even 3 days before she died, she was asking about my dad’s family--- his mom
and sisters—Diane and Jan. Even when she couldn’t’ remember most things, she
always thinking about others and wanting to make sure everyone was doing okay.
At
the end of Pop’s life, he was the focus of her care. Even as he progressed to
the point of needing more than her help, she wanted to be the one to take care
of him everyday.
Conclusion Part I
As Rachel shared in a recent blog post, Grandmother walked with
a cane, but as we grew up seeing it we never really thought much about it. It
didn’t define at all who she was to us. This taught us that a disability is
just a part of a person—it is not the whole and it does not have to be a
barrier. She taught us to see the world through the eyes of someone who
sometimes had to fight for equality. I’ll never forget the story about how a
long time ago in her Bonita Springs community, they wouldn’t let her drive
around in a golf cart because she “wasn’t golfing.” But she wanted to use it as
transportation since she couldn’t walk or bike around the big neighborhood like
everyone else. She had a lawyer send the neighborhood association a very nice
letter stating that she WOULD be driving her golf cart around and that if they
had any questions or concerns about her disability that they could contact her
lawyer. Then she got in the golf cart and went riding everyday, and they never
bothered her again. Garon, of course, was quite pleased with this outcome, as
golf cart rides with Grandmother were one of his favorite things (mine too!).
Her strong will and determination to have access and equality
for herself and for her grandson influenced both my sister and I—and we have
both chosen careers focused on providing opportunity and equal rights to people
who are marginalized, vulnerable or disabled in the US and around the world.
Although her first choice would have been for us to become podiatrists, she
couldn’t have been more proud of the paths we chose.
Conclusion
Part II
I wouldn’t be who I was today without Grandmother – Holly being
her only child, and I being the first granddaughter – we had a very special
relationship. Even as dementia began to steal her away from us she always
beamed when I would visit. Over the last seven years I’ve lived in Denver so
the visits were much more sparse. But seeing her face light up and her ecstatic
announcement to everyone around her “this is my granddaughter from
Colorado” -- and every time she would
ask me “Do you really like living out there?” and “When are you moving home?” I
gently told her I wasn’t, but I knew she was still proud of me and the work I
was doing anyways. Whenever I would leave to go back to Colorado I never wanted
to say goodbye because I knew she would cry. And she did--- every single time.
She would always ask when I would be back, and oftentimes it would be months
away (which prompted “the look”). As I left I would always tell her I loved
her. She would always respond in a singsong voice where you could hear her
holding back tears, “but I love you more.” And I know that she did.
I
want to leave you with a few words of advice from Grandmother to take with you:
- Mind your manners! Don’t put your elbows on the table.
- If someone gives you something, send a thank you note. (Oops – sorry Grandmother I’m terrible at this..)
- Stand up tall – tall is beautiful. (And as Garon remembers – “Grandmother says when I stand up tall I am even more handsome”)
- A new dress is necessary for any and all occasions (Amen to that! I’ve followed that wise advice very well)
- Always talk to the person next to you on the airplane – it might be a handsome, single rich doctor. (That’s never been my experience – but Grandmother I’ll do it for you)
I
want to end by saying --- “Grandmother, I love you.” And up in heaven right now
I know she’s saying back – “But I Love YOU more.”
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